With the exciting news of a coming revitalized new player experience (dubbed AIR NPE by CCP), we at EVE Onion decided to collaboratively give our takes on the reveal post from CCP. In this article we have taken a screenshot of sections and give our takes on each, segment-by-segment. We’re happy to see EVE newbies get the tailored, fresh introduction to New Eden they deserve.
[Dyvinex] I thought plex was the lifeblood of EVE…
[Opus] I thought new players were for ganking relentless in high sec until they decided to quit the game…
[TheDuck] I thought salty tears were the lifeblood of EVE, whether frustrated vets, 3-day old pilots who skilled into the hull of a battleship and can’t figure out why dramiels keep killing their ‘invincible’ ships, or the lone miner who sits there for hours in a venture and afterward has their hauler ganked while aligning to Jita 4-4 “for the lols”….just to go back to the system and start up the Miner I’s in their Venture sobbing quietly but stalwartly into their Monster drink so they can make their meticulously spreadsheet-calculated ISK quota for today, now risk-adjusted for hauler ganks.
[Erutor] We are confident that by setting the expectation that EVE Online consists of a series of compelling story driven experiences, new capsuleers will wander about in space looking for the next story hub. This will “introduce” those capsuleers to veteran players and provide the opportunity to develop the seething thirst for revenge necessary to ensure their first PLEX purchase.
[Erutor] “Step 3: Purchase PLEX” – this is an essential skill best learned early in one’s capsuleer experience.
[Dyvinex] I was told players who got ganked had a higher retention rate. CCP should just hire CODE. to improve the NPE.
[TheDuck] CCP was quick to learn that ‘hope’ is neither a tactic nor a strategy upon which one may gamble one’s fiscal outlook.
[Opus] Isn’t reddit the sole source of information on how and why players play and understand the narrative of EVE Online?
[TheDuck] In October, membership will increase by what can only be statistically categorized as random chance, but declare a success nonetheless. In November, membership will resume its downward spiral, not unlike Pearl Abyss shares, or the hopes and dreams of those left at CCP.
[Erutor] Biomasses character on SISI to create an empty slot. “NEW FEATURE! Characters created on SISI will be mirrored to TQ. In the case of a conflict between character slots, the character most recently created will persist.”
[Dyvinex] I have to log into SISI? Pass.
[Opus] SInce when does CCP do their testing on the test server?
[Aiko] This seems like a scam.
[Dyvinex] Aura: “Hey, you, you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border into Solitude…”
[Erutor] … they will meet and be betrayed by Aura, their ~~trusty ~~AI companion, who will regularly remind players to engage autopilot.
[TheDuck] While exiting the game, players pass through the various stages of grief, exhibiting signs of Stockholm Syndrome, desperate to preserve their sanity yet, like a moth to a flame, ambling with zombie-like intent back to their gooey pods.
[TheDuck] The fresh take on desperate flailing exhibited through random ‘features’ and ‘offerings’ while membership plummets, resembling nothing like purpose or context, is sheer coincidence.
[Dyvinex] ‘Careful introspection’? This is where that starts? So does this mean we get Avatar Cat Ears soonTM?
[Erutor] We estimate that the expectation of purpose and context trigger individuals on the Autism spectrum to associate their own lack of purpose and context with their lack of ISK and skill points. Details on SP discounts for NPE participants to follow.
[Dyvinex] So they’re… implementing some sort of graph to help players with development? What dev has the players do the w- oh, right.
[Erutor] Theta clone subscribers will find the nodegraph editor in their Utilities menu, where they can define their own nodegraphs. These nodegraphs may be executed by fitting a Bio-Obsolescence Technology module to any Marauder-class ship or any ship with the BOT Slot activated (42 PLEX in the store now!), and installing the nodegraph script.
[Erutor] More dynamic visuals will ensure players lose control of their ships in the middle of combat and increase destruction by 22.8%. This will encourage new players to experience the recently improved(tm) industry experience.
[Erutor] spoiler The gradual UI reveal includes a randomized encounter with Aura in the shower. The nodegraph for this encounter includes several opportunities for proximity-triggered interactions. We anticipate this will improve replayability of the NPE. Some players may choose to simply replay this encounter repeatedly if they’re looking for a 2 minute play-session without consequences or commitment.
[TheDuck] Why fix it when you can slap a fresh coat of paint on it and call it “New and Improved!” ?
[Aiko] The new video integration showing me boarding a ship was very helpful in teaching me that I am in a spaceship.
[TheDuck] As this chart clearly shows, you wander aimlessly from point to point while the background changes….and nothing else.
[Dyvinex] Is this… Supposed to help new players be less confused? I’m more confused looking at this than before.
[Dyvinex] Please, oh please, let that first hyperlink be to r/eve.
[TheDuck] Ultimately, the goal of this revitalized new player journey is to bring the thrill and joy of EVE to as many people as possible — we’ll let you know we find either.
[Dyvinex] Maybe the EVE Academy will more efficiently teach new players to connect to hisec mining corps with Orca boosts and low mining tax!
[Erutor] Wait… offramps? So the idea is to make new players hate the game and exit immediately? This is amazeballs – it took me years to get to the point that I realized how much I hate most of this game!
[Akio] Yeah the offramps thing struck me as odd too, like “wheeeeee I’m a new player, time to log off!”.
