AMSTERDAM—In a groundbreaking move that has left the EVE Online playerbase questioning their entire existence, CCP Games announced Tuesday the introduction of a revolutionary new “Fun Metric” designed to mathematically calculate exactly when pilots are enjoying themselves.
The system, which has been in development for the past eight years, uses advanced algorithms to track player satisfaction based on ship explosions, wallet balance, time spent in Jita local chat, and number of forum posts complaining about changes to the game.
“We realized that players were having difficulty determining whether or not they were actually having fun,” said Lead Designer Sigmund Jorgensen during a presentation that was watched by exactly 47 people, 12 of whom were alt accounts. “So we decided to remove the guesswork entirely.”
According to CCP, the Fun Metric will display a numerical value next to each player’s character name, allowing other players to know at a glance whether someone is enjoying the game. Values range from 0 (“Contemplating quitting after this war”) to 100 (“Haven’t logged off in 72 hours and have forgotten to eat”).
The announcement was met with widespread approval from the community, specifically the three players who commented positively before returning to their systematic destruction of newer players in faction warfare space.
Players who maintain a Fun Metric below 10 for more than 30 consecutive days will automatically receive a free week of subscription time, as CCP has determined this is the optimal window for inducing Stockholm syndrome.
“It’s important to us that our players are having fun,” added Jorgensen, noting that the metric will be reset to zero every time CCP releases a new expansion that fundamentally changes the game’s economy.
The Fun Metric is expected to go live next February, assuming CCP doesn’t get distracted by developing another mobile game.
