On Tuesday, 17 October, 2017, as the world celebrated Spreadsheet Day (https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/spreadsheet-day/), commemorating the day that VisiCalc, the first spreadsheet program for personal computers, was released in 1979, EVE Online players waited anxiously for CCP to announce an event in acknowledgement of this important holiday. Sadly, CCP, having quietly abandoned their long-time tagline “We create spreadsheets in space” for the trendy, but less distinctive “We create virtual worlds,” again failed to commemorate this day, disappointing players across the globe.

Long acknowledged as essential to EVE Online, spreadsheets play a critical role in all aspects of the game, the memeverse, and the community. CCP Quant’s Monthly Economic Report, consisting entirely of hyper-nerdy statistics, charts, and supporting spreadsheet data, is one of the community’s most anticipated updates, and frequently generates a greater response than graphics update announcements.

The EVE Online client user interface—which consists largely of linked spreadsheets under a thin veneer of space graphics—performs poorly under load. Many players choose to enjoy EVE Online in “Potato Mode”, with minimal graphical elements, particularly in large engagements. A growing minority is now calling for an option to set graphic quality to “Spreadsheet Mode,” a step below “Potato Mode,” which would display the underlying spreadsheet only, without distracting user interface elements. This request has thus far gone unheeded, despite the fact that critics have, on more than one occasion, described EVE Online as “Excel with a texture pack”; a distinction boasted by no other game in recorded history.

A consortium of traders, industrialists, and theory crafters such as Roedyn, “No-Longer-Fuzzy” Steve Ronuken, delonewolf, Suitonia, Rykki, and Jin’taan, hint that serious repercussions might follow if CCP Games again overlooks this holiday when planning the YC 120 event calendar. “We’re not suggesting we would coordinate the launch of a ‘Fall of Nerd Rage’,” alluding to the post-Incarna Summer of Rage spurred by micro-transactions perceived as abusive, “but neither are we suggesting we would not,” spreadsheet-fanatics hinted darkly. “Spreadsheets are an integral part of our play-style and culture, and refusing to acknowledge this day, so important to our subculture, hints at disenfranchisement at best, and outright discrimination at the worst.”

Leaders of the movement pressing CCP Games to recognize this important cultural event emphasized that their movement will not quietly accept only an annual event, but also expects ongoing engagement with their community. They initially suggest a multi-pronged approach beyond an annual event, emphasizing the importance of addressing each of the three major factions: traders, industrialists, and theory crafters.

1. Traders requested the option to view trade hub data directly in an in-game spreadsheet with support for simple formulas and lookups. “We should not have to rely upon third party out-of-game tools to trade in New Eden,” a representative suggested. “The market orders and history data are already available to tech-savvy traders via web services, but I’m a trader, not a technologist.”
2. Industrialists expressed excitement about the upcoming Mining Ledger. “This is a wonderful step in the right direction,” they exclaimed, “we just have to make sure it isn’t the only step.” Possible next steps include requesting that The Agency present invention and manufacturing objectives, in addition to mining objectives, and that CCP displays them in-game as color-coded spreadsheets.
3. Theory Crafters, although appreciative of the in-game Fitting Simulator, and the fact that upcoming releases include basic information on NPC damage types, also look for CCP to take the next step. “We would like to see exact information on enemy ship capabilities, even if this is gated by some skill or module. Some acceptable next steps would be to expand the functionality of ship scanners to provide a more detailed analysis of target capabilities, and provide an option to display this information in an in-game spreadsheet.”

All three stakeholders express that the in-game notes feature demands to be extended to support an in-game repository of spreadsheets, to facilitate advanced gameplay within the game, rather than relegating the most enjoyable portions of their gameplay experience to out-of-game tools.

Will CCP Games step up to the challenge, acknowledge Spreadsheet Day, and give this segment of their community the recognition and support they deserve? Only time will tell.

CCP representatives were unavailable for comment as of press date.

CCP finished their two-week sweeping reform of the infamous “Loot Box” policy today, finally removing any and all traces of the system from Eve Online’s code.

Scanning over the developer’s Twitter shows no signs that such a thing was ever announced or even prevalent in the digital world which calls to question just how two major northern wars were even funded. Possibly thousands of digital soldiers spent nearly two months duking it out for sovereignty in the far-reaches of the northern 0.0 space, and in the end barely moved many markers at all; instead opting to declare a stalemate when it was discovered that both alliances had nearly unlimited funds from the rare items found exclusively within Eve Online’s loot crates.

I was sent out to interview those veterans of the two Lootbox Wars, only to find hushed whispers and refusals to even discuss the subject. Some went as far to claim their country’s laws prevented any association with gambling or the like. Perhaps these players are being paid to maintain their silence as loot box hush money had become a trending topic, at least in the northern nullsec part of Twitter (which shares sixteen different languages and covers a vast amount of topics the southern empires would probably never even consider, such as potato-based cooking recipes).

Facing uncertainty, it was back to Twitter to find the answers, only there were none to be found: CCP has apparently deleted the expansion’s release notes and there is simply no mention anywhere of September 2016’s “Vast Quantities” update. Even now, Google shows little when polled for results on the subject: Did the expansion even happen at all? Let it be said the Eve Onion always investigates deeper.

For September, the website itself merely lists minor changes to Citadels and some small PvP events. Much like the now-legendary Walking in Stations expansion and updates, more of Eve Online’s grand history has disappeared into the mists of time—the only difference being the perhaps dozens of people who actually purchased loot boxes and SKIN crates during the brief window it was available.

We had all known that CCP’s real-money-for-virtual-goods system was an underused and generally unliked addition to the game, but none had expected a system that was at least profitable to go by the wayside with the elusive Icelandic developer—perhaps the law was the breaking point after all.

Delving into Icelandic law reveals very little, as the entire law and order system of the country is written in a language that not many can understand in the first place. Should an English version make an appearance, we assure you that The Onion will be the first to break the story.

For now, we can merely move on with our digital lives and hope that CCP finds a new revenue stream to support the sprawling space opera without the passive income from psuedo-gambling.

Your humble correspondent, as member of a trash tier “not quite wormhole” corporation, is pleased to see Foedus Latro of HK and “Tiny” Tim Nering of MTC launch a new “Wormhole Podcast about happenings and stuff”—Static Talk

Like most things that happen in wormholes, there is a good deal of waiting about and dead time, weird environmental effects, plenty of meme’ing, and some great content.

In a clear effort to meme on their new show name, Tiny and Foedus come to us from a pulsar, where environmental effects produce audio that is pseudo-randomly crystal clear and completely crap static. Was the name decided upon after the first recording was complete and edited in post production? Wait. There clearly was no post production, or there wouldn’t be 30 seconds of dead air in the middle of the first hour. Strange things happen in wormholes…

Some of the highlights:

* Tiny gets things off to a cock-eyed start as he spends some time beating about the bush, then sharing his excitement about “shooting his gun” in a hole and making a big goo explosion.

* Tiny says content is so bad in wormholes that he’s excited to mine.

* Tiny refers to MTC members as his ant farm. He enjoys looking down on them from his exalted position as CEO as they scurry about on various missions. For Tiny, this is a first-class city builder.

* Foedus says bombs are worthless after the recently announced changes to void bombs, and discusses the role of Purifiers without void bombs. Jita crashes. Sell! Sell! Sell! Bomber’s Bar disbands. Olmeca Gold gloats. Chance Ravinne is speechless, and cancels his Monday stream.

* Foedus and Tiny spend 20 minutes talking about the nullsec meta; a topic upon which they are eminently qualified to opine, I think.

* Tiny says the really, really, really important thing is…wait…nevermind.

* Tiny admits he’s an idiot. Foedus agrees.

* Foedus admits he is an elitist, and likes changes such as the recently-announced Assault Damage Control that he perceives to benefit only elite players. The ability to use these modules effectively will become a key determinant of whether capsuleers are encouraged to join HK, or assigned to one of their soon-to-be announced renter corps.

* Tiny likes to fly T1 haulers.

* Foedus and Tiny think empty wormholes are a quality of life improvement. They are looking forward to the new structure timers so they can evict all non rent-payers and emulate the Lazerhawks renter empire.

* Tiny says evictions are doing a favor to the leaders of wormhole alliances. They had it coming. They secretly wanted it. Just let it happen.

* After a great deal of ranting about bad CEOs, with a focus on REDACTED, CEO of REDACTED, Foedus and Tiny sum it all up with a poignant message to capsuleers everywhere: “Learn better—don’t get screwed by your corp.” Some discussion follows evaluating the merits of waterboarding line members to help them understand that their corp is “bad.”

* The show proceeds to nerding on battle reports, in which Foedus flexed his e-peen. Foedus’s significant other is reportedly bent out of shape, as the e-peen flexing resulted in significant bruising. Tiny follows up with a comment that he couldn’t get anyone to come at first, but now he can’t make his members stop coming.

* In a rousing conclusion, Tiny re-launches an old infomercial for his corp: Clueless to Competent in Two Weeks! Send 2B ISK to Tim Nering, sitting on the Jita undock, and you, too, can be a meme master of the universe!

* Foedus finally grows tired of Tiny’s incessant babble, and forces Tiny to come to a conclusion after his long shoutout to Wormbro for losing to him. Foedus then offers a shoutout to Bonya Boga and Longinius Spear for their “Down the Pipe” podcast (o7 from your correspondent also] for doing something he can rip off.

All in all, let’s not give these guys too much “static”. Their show is an interesting, informative, and entertaining addition to the podcast scene, and well worth the 1:43 listening time. Check it out, and let them know we sent you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgfA9LxCf6M

CCP Games HQ

Reykjavik, Iceland

October 24th, 2017 will be a day that goes down in infamy. To those few people out there that aren’t “in the know’, allow me to relate what happened that day: CCP Games, possibly in a fit of madness, released the Lifeblood update for EVEOnline. While the game has experience several patches, some more controversial than others, the fallout received from this one was truly unprecedented. Players are quitting in droves as the game has become—to them—ruined.

The atmosphere around the town of Reykjavik has been electric ever since the launch of the expansion last Tuesday. Dozens began to protest and to form picket lines around CCP Games office building mere hours after the expansion launched, and the number, after a few days has grown to several thousand. The protests, while initially peaceful, have escalated into a full scale riot.

Iceland has declared a national state of emergency, and does not have the manpower in neither military nor police force to handle a situation such as this. While the riot was in its initial forming stages, Icelandic police forces attempted to disband the crowd using tear gas and other non-lethal methods. What finally made the police force retreat is when rioters broke into a delivery truck filled with heavy weight scale models of Vexor ships, which they began to hurl at the police. Reports from several wounded officers confirm this, as they had initially thought they were having boots or sneakers thrown at them.

Since that day, the riot has continued to swell in size; the only thing sparing the CCP HQ from destruction being its current reinforced timer. That has not stopped the rioters from destroying every vehicle, small business, and home within a block radius of the office building.

I searched for hours to find a protester to interview, wishing to discover what all the fuss was about. It was a difficult search however, as most protesters simply wished to shout their opinions as loudly as possible, and be heard by as many people that will listen—voluntarily or otherwise. I finally found someone willing to sit down and discuss their side of the story without raising their voice. This man, Derek Yung, described himself as “The Voice of the Vets”. He informed me that he had been here for far longer than the 24th, and he had been against CCP’s decisions for a long time. He said he would continue to camp outside of their offices until things changed. Judging by the amount of empty baked bean cans and hard liquor bottles that had accumulated in and around his tent, Derek had been here a very long time.

(The following interview has had many expletives and drunken tangents removed)

Samwise: So tell me Derek, what is it about Lifeblood that is making everyone so upset?

Derek: This is just the straw that broke the camel’s back, man. CCP has been going downhill ever since they released Quantum Rise. It’s been a real crapshoot since then. I don’t know why I’m even still subscribed to the game.

S: Quantum Rise?

D: Yeah you know, back in ’08.

S: …right, but that’s CCPast, what about the CCPresent?

D: Well for starters, you can’t passively make billions from moon mining anymore. And they’re randomly distributing the moon types, AGAIN. Like, are you kidding? What if my SOV has all terrible moons? Just because they wanted to use some “mcmoonface” meme as a new moon seed doesn’t mean they need to ruin MY system and MY income. And don’t even get me started on the Agency.

S: I thought the Agency was a nice little addition to show you where content was located…

D: Gonna stop you right there, Samwise. The Agency is a spit in the face to anyone that’s been around as long as I have. Usability? User-friendly? This is not the EVE way. I don’t want a quest log of all the content I have available to me in this game. I want to go through five or six different terribly formatted and outdated wiki articles to figure out what to do. CCP making content accessible like this is just encouraging the casuals to play and ruin our perfect space sandbox. I’ll bet sooner or later they’ll start adding controller support and some other nonsense like a better default overview.

S: Wouldn’t more players, casual or otherwise, be nothing but beneficial to EVE? More items in the market, more content? More potential friends and enemies?

(Derek went on for an hour and a half lecturing me about how casuals are never good, and that EVE should only exist for veteran players such as himself. It is being omitted due to a lack of any valid points)

S: Okay, thank you for that. One last thing, what are your thoughts on Resource Wars?

D: PVE content, in EVE? What a joke. Real players should never even see that content, null and wormholes all the way, bro. You in null or wh, right?

Samwise: I, uh, I’m renting right now, actually.

Derek: You motherf-

(At this point I was threatened with physical violence and forced to leave; thankfully, he was too drunk to stand up straight to chase me. I deemed the interview as concluded.)

Those seeking to travel to Iceland in the near future may want to avoid doing so until this situation comes to a close. However, the end of the rioting appears nowhere in sight. As for myself, I have evacuated and am sending my thoughts and prayers to the people of Iceland in this dire time.

by Manic Velocity

“F*** it, why not?” says CCP Fozzie

In their constant drive to shake up the sandbox, CCP has announced a new feature for the Winter 2017 expansion they say will change the way we see drones forever—by putting more of them on the screen.

Players will soon find that their drones have been equipped with “Drone Drone Bays” or “DDBs”, having the ability to launch up to five “mini-drones” for each standard drone, for a maximum of 30 drones per pilot with appropriate skills. Mini-drones will deal 20% of the DPS of their “parent” drone. Launching drones will open a new window for launching mini-drones, giving players maximum control over which drones launch mini-drones, and which targets the mini-drones will prioritize. When asked why not just buff drone DPS across the board, CCP Fozzie had this to say:

We felt that was too simple a solution. The introduction of mini-drones allows for more granularity and flexibility in drone combat. And it scales according to how the player chooses to use them. Now drones can be as needlessly complex as you want them to be.

Concerns over increased time-dilation during small or even moderately sized battles were met with Fozzie asking, “Do you hear that?” before wandering away from the interview and claiming to investigate a noise coming from elsewhere in the building.

Caldari Business Tribunal Bureau Offices, Jita IV.

The offices here in Jita continue to receive countless updates to corporation rosters from all across the sector, and even beyond as the fallout from the breakup of the CO2 alliance continues. Statistics show that corporations have fired, retired, or permanently demoted upwards to 95% of corporation leadership over the past few months. “I can’t trust nobody, not even my alts.*” says one corporation leader, Joseph Mendez. (Author’s Note- “Alt” is an abbreviation of “Alternate personality” which is used by capsuleers afflicted with multiple character personality disorder (MCPD)).

Joseph’s corporation, ‘Joey and Pals’ was once a relatively small organization consisting of ten members, which were all, until recently, good friends. Today the corporation stands at one member, that being the founder, Joseph. “You saw how much he got away with, right?” asks Joseph. “The Judge, I mean. There’s no way in hell I’m letting someone like that ruin all of my friends’ hard work. So, I removed everyone from the corporation, and now our assets are safe.”

It seems that while assets may be safer, upper echelons of corporations are not. Diplomats seem to be receiving an exceptional amount of criticism and skepticism from the members of the organizations they have served loyally for years. Greg Jones, commenting as the primary diplomat for a corporation he wishes to remain anonymous, comments on the situation: “Nope, I still get the same amount of s**t as always.”

“In fact,” he adds, “you could say I’m getting more attention now than I ever did before this whole “Judgement Day” occurred. Now the CEO is wanting my API key updated in triplicate on a daily basis. This s**t’s driving me crazy. All I want to do is sit in a communication channel and verbally stroke egos, but now I have so much attention being paid to me I can’t get anything done.”

UPDATE: It seems Greg Jones was fired from his position after he stated he “went to go eat dinner” Sunday afternoon. He was unable to be reached for comment.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, those that wish to make an honest living in New Eden in a dishonest way have had their way of life seriously challenged by this change in atmosphere. “How the hell am I supposed to earn the trust of a corporation and gain access to all of their hangers if everyone in the damn universe knows about The Judge?” comments a capsuleer who wished to remain anonymous. “Corporations are getting rid of all of their management, and they’re not going to promote new ones anytime soon. The long game is about to become the VERY long game.” he adds.

Amid all of this corporation pruning, worrying rumors continue to circulate over something people are labeling “the metagame”. Which some describe as “the most important thing in the universe” and others describe it as, and I quote: “a load of bulls**t”. This author remains skeptical if the metagame is truly impactful, or if it is simply claiming the responsibility for these major things occurring, like some sort of neo terrorist movement.

Solid details on what the metagame is are few and far between, and information on who or what participates in the metagame is even more scarce. As most things in New Eden, the Goons are probably to blame. We here at eveonion will dedicate every resource at our disposal to unveil this metagame, even if it involves REDACTED.

Hard-hitting journalist Evocationz Adhera tears the mask off of Legendary Low-Sec Lover and Null Sex Pilot Suitonia in a brutal interview, revealing a callous monster!

Once-fanboy Evocationz Adhera, clearly shaken by the discovery that fellow streamer and esteemed CSM member Suitonia, is not, at heart, the same capsuleer this community has come to know and love. The intrepid journalist presses forward even after discovering that Suitonia likes spreadsheets, to uncover a horrible truth: Suitonia is using a CSM position to advocate for Kestrel buffs!

That’s right, not content with meme-like fame, Suitonia is pushing for buffs to the Kestrel in order to justify an Alpha-Only version of the 47 page guide to the Kestrel frigate. Rumor has it that Suitonia is struggling to make ends meet after losing hundreds of thousands of ISK in recent PvP losses. An Alpha version of Suitonia’s Kestrel manifesto will likely prohibit undocking for several weeks, saving Suitonia as much as 100 million ISK that might otherwise be lost in solo PvP fights. Suitonia is also advocating for fighter nerfs. Why, you might ask? Suitonia recently lost a Vengeance to m0v3rs Dragonfly I. Coincidence, or callous revenge? You be the judge! Er…you judge for yourself…um…you decide!

Hoping to redeem Suitonia’s image, Evocationz turns to another topic: The community. Suitonia, famous for pick-up lines, and flirtatiously suggesting that “Eve is Easy,” is widely regarded as a positive and inspiring figure. Imagine the stunned expression on Evocationz’s face as Suitonia reveals the abhorrent position that children should not have ice cream! Suitonia goes on to suggest that Reddit is a good place to communicate, but the stunned journalist hurriedly concludes the interview before Suitonia can destroy any remaining illusion that this CSM member is a community-minded individual and talented streamer with a wry sense of humor.

Check out the entire brutal exposé here!

https://evocationzadherablog.wordpress.com/2017/10/09/suitonia-the-man-the-legend-top-eve-online-streamer-lets-find-out-about-him/

“We know times are tough” said Robert Industry’s Chris R. Robert at this month’s sprawling EVE festival, live in Vegas. “Like EVE, we intended to launch our game in early 2003 but found ourselves met with opposition and struggle. Nearly two decades and almost a billion dollars, we’re in a better position than ever to support our brothers and sisters. As such, we fully intend to pick up where CCP left off and support Captain’s Quarters and Walking in Stations, should our bids for the system go through.”

At the time of writing, CCP was unavailable to comment as he was last seen prowling the various gambling halls and drunkenly flirting with the various women he encountered. When pressed for a statement about the aging and discontinued subsystem of EVE Online, he simply stated “They don’t make ‘em like this in Iceland” to a nearby waitress, before receiving a rather off-putting stare.

Following Robert around proved to be a more engaging affair, as flocks of EVE pilots busied themselves learning as much as they could about this new and engaging I.P, though most of what was revealed was either already known or likely never to be seen to fruition.

“Ship aging? Yeah, that’s live right now. Already done. Millions of players per instance? Done and done. Going to have over twelve million star systems available for colonization at launch and double that every month for the first sixteen years.” Robert continued unhindered and unhinged throughout the event, listing things to the wide-eyed crowd which often prompted gasps. “Got moon mining too. Just blow the thing up and throw some ropes around the rocks. Haul ‘em back to a refinery or something. Zero-G infantry combat, pop your head out the hatch and just shoot the alien bastards hanging off the side of your ride. All the good stuff is already done.”

“That sounds incredible” I heard muttered nearby, a man clutching his chest as if the breath was about to be stolen from him at any moment. Robert wasn’t stopping there, though. “It’s really nothing. With today’s technology we’ve got it all rigged up so…oh yeah, you can totally play pacifist too. Buy a space cruise ticket and just walk around a space cruise ship, look out the windows and relax on deck while sipping space martinis and listening to the Martian band play the latest hits from one of the millions of systems nearby. The complete experience, my friends!”

On and on Robert rambled much to my amazement, though further and further off track until someone from the growing EVE crowd jarred him from his stupor with a simple question: “So what about dying in Star Citizen? Do you respawn? What’s the point of paying for insurance with real money?” Robert genuinely looked stumped. A long pause, a careful stammer as he tried to shift his glance back and forth to find an escape route. “I…uh.” Sweat visibly beading across his forehead, there wasn’t anything he had to say about that. By now, Robert’s bodyguards had gone to work dismissing the hungry crowd as more questions were shouted at the estranged developer who was quickly whisked away to his private Vanuatu island (as his Pacific Palisades mansion was undergoing its fifth renovation this year) retreat, paid for by the residual profits of his blockbuster movies (including such hits as “Wing Commander” in which he retcon nearly everything in his own games for no clear reason.)

It is unlikely we’ll see Robert again at an EVE-centric event, though his continued support for the game and its community proves to be heart-warming in these dark times.

Star Citizen is currently slated for a late 2015 release date.

Traun System—After spending the better part of his Sunday camping a high security wormhole connection, a member of WiNGSPAN Delivery Services finally got the kill he was waiting for. “There were a couple times when I doubted my strategy, but I kept my focus and my patience was rewarded. I knew I would get someone eventually,” the player, who wished to remain anonymous was heard quoting, “Once I heard the hole activation, I waited a full minute until his cloak timer wore off; then I was able to slowboat towards him without him warping off, point him and kill him with drones.”

The victim—who did not comment—was apparently flying an exploration-fit Stabber with both rail and projectile weapons, along with a puzzling full complement of cargo expanders in the low slots. While the player was able to celebrate his kill, he did have some regrets. “I was definitely feeling the high of a successful hunt, but once I saw the killmail come through, I immediately jumped into high sec and warped off. I left my Federation Navy Ogres behind and pretty sure I forgot to pod him. Although maybe I did? I’m not sure, I’ll have to check.”

EVE Onion news was able to see the killmail and verify that the pilot’s claims were indeed correct, and the kill was valued at just under 14 million ISK. The anonymous pilot did also confirm that during his hunt, he witnessed a fleet of Enyos from Mouth Trumpet, two Asteros from Of Sound Mind, and a singular Hurricane Fleet Issue belonging to Hard Knocks come through but avoided being detected.

This week:

Henzo “The High Security Ice Field Ganker” Enecha

Henzo spends most of his time prowling the various icicle fields of Amarr space looking to keep the area clear of bots and other miscreants that would waste the public resources. Using a complex system of identification, he eventually settles on a target that does not have drones deployed (as this would give the bot a kill mail) and that they’re not properly tanked up in high security. Henzo serves his community both as a warning to those who would bot, and also as a swift and valuable lesson to those who assume they’re safe behind the watchful eyes of CONCORD.

Remember, CONCORD is not here to protect you, but to punish violators to the full extent of galactic law.

Keep up the good work, Henzo!

Roxxen “Devoid Desperado” Norato

Roxxen has been managing a corp for a while now. Some might call him a bean counter, but for most of the day Roxxen is actually out mining with his fleet or sometimes even all alone with his ‘fleet’ of drones. Unless the pirates show up, of course! Watch out Roxxen!

Life on the island of Mili in the middle of lowsec space can be rough and without a kill to their name, BSC does their best to keep their citadel floating as the lone beacon of hope in the otherwise ‘devoid’ region. Roxxen has hobbies besides mining and getting blown up though; occasionally he attempts to unite fellow neutral forces in Mili to join minor coalitions which usually disband a week or two later. That’s not to say Roxxen has no friends. He has his drones and his corp, and that’s more than a lot of people!

Keep on truckin’, Roxxen!

What are you up to in EVE online?

Send us your stories and you might be featured on the Eve Onion!