On Saturday, a group of angry Spanish players attempted to crash a server node as part of a crazy birthday party for the self-declared “Drifter Killer” Ciniel. The party was suspended by CCP before the “sacrifice” could be completed, though some players tried to mask the act as a protest over the lack of a Spanish EVE client, shining light into one of the longest standing and unaddressed player demands in the game behind the proposal to remove ganking from Highsec.

Many of the pilots involved have been banned, including Ciniel himself. This has sparked a new wave of mild protests demanding the immediate unbanning of the “martyrs”; but despite the drama and the smokescreen cause behind it, the voices claiming the translation of EVE to Spanish have suddenly ended, the cause being: A soccer tournament.

Turns out that some sort of soccer tournament is taking place in Russia this month; this could be related to the Russian collusion in the CSM, a topic that we have investigated here at EVE Onion:

https://eveonion.com/russian-collusion-in-the-csm/

The sudden reduction in activity from the Spanish speaking players has been noticed, some even attempting to win EVE during the tournament; the exception being the Chileans. We are still investigating the reason behind it, but it could be related to the unique version of “Spanish” spoken in Chile.

Other players from Hispanic nationalities gave us different reactions to the sudden drop. Peruvians kept missing the question and made off-the-mark comments, while Colombians were enraged over something; it could be related to The gigX, but we forgot to ask. Mexicans were celebrating for some reason even as the tournament began, and Argentineans were complaining about some small island; not the Falklands this time but Iceland, the home of CCP, which seems suspicious. The Spaniards are still missing from the comment department, but an internal source has told me that they are completely absent. This all paints a worrisome picture of the Spanish speaking community in the game leaving for soccer.

Going back to the party that started it all: It was supposed to be an enormous sacrifice to Bob the server with more than 5000 Condors. The planned number was twice as much and the piñata was supposed to be popped by a Marshal Battleship, and all of it streamed live on Twitch in broken English and broken Spanish, but CCP got wind of the act and put a stop to it with bans in the mix leaving behind a lot of angry weirdos.

From Ciniel’s side, he says he’s going to stop playing EVE, even if he gets unbanned. Some players that didn’t take part in the stunt have criticized Ciniel’s actions: “Putooo, you can’t put a defender on the field when you are losing! Pinche huevon”, said elreyazteca—confirmed Mexican by nickname—when asked about it. This topic is becoming increasingly polarizing in the Hispanic community, with the defenders of the banned rallying behind The Mittani for some reason and the opposers just wanting to see the “protesters” burn; but more importantly this dive simulation tournament seems like it’s going to end the Spanish presence in EVE for now.

CCP Games, struggling to regain momentum after departure of several key employees, and the now-publicly announced termination of Rixx Javix’s third party product efforts, introduces deadly new PvE content with May’s “Into the Abyss” expansion, in an effort to boost PLEX sales.

The Dread Pirate Lord Rixx Javix, long noted as the pre-eminent producer and proposer of EVE licensed products, made public his decision to retire from his frustrating attempts to help CCP make money, leaving CCP grasping at straws.

After rejecting what are rumored to be dozens of Javix’s proposals for new revenue streams, CCP CEO Hilmar Veigar* (Wormholer, BTW) found himself forced to transition from rejecting great ideas from others to coming up with ideas his own. Pressure mounted to increase revenue before the close of Q2, and prove his own ideas good enough to justify discarding the Pirate Lord’s. After many hours tied up in closed-door meetings (certainly not mashing d-scan in a C5), Veigar reportedly threw up his hands in frustration, crying “effing Tyrannos,” then bolted from the room in excitement a few moments later, shouting “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” The CCP executive presented his evil plan to take the devastating frustration of loss to an apparently indominitible foe, and the fear of players waiting invisibly to pursue your destruction from the confines of J-Space into all of New Eden. Abyssal Deadspace is proving perfectly suited to fulfil Veigar’s mission, a mission critical to the long term viability of New Eden: “Do whatever it takes to sell PLEX!”

PLEX prices have been steadily declining for months, but prudent investors are already stocking up in anticipation of upcoming rapid inflation. Noted economist, PleaseDontMindMeSir, explains the process:

The player base has lost some 1T ISK worth of ships and modules in Abyssal Deadspace in just the first three days, and zero ISK has been removed from circulation by the same efforts. Asset sinks cause inflation, as the same available ISK pursues fewer assets, whereas ISK sinks reduce inflation, as less ISK chases the same assets.

In addition to assets lost in Abyssal Space, many industrialists are reporting massive losses in modules as they turn perfectly good T2 modules into worthless bricks in an attempt to morph them into something awesome.

Successful delvers of the Abyssal Depths are reaping enormous profits, providing some counter pressure to inflation as buyers pay exorbitant rates for Abyssal modules, but CCP insiders are confident that the net result will be massive inflation, followed by increased PLEX sales, as players find they need fresh reserves of ISK in order to replace their ships and modules, and PLEX the only reasonable shortcut to that end that doesn’t involve the mind-numbing drudgery that is legacy EVE PvE. CCP is so confident their orgy of destruction will fund the remainder of FY2018 that they already held a champagne brunch at company expense.

Early indications are that “Into the Abyss” is on track to be a stunning success for CCP’s evil masterminds of PLEX sales. While PLEX prices are just beginning to creep up, prices on ships suited for T1-T3 A-Holes have already begun to spike. The workhorse Gila has seen a 20% increase in just a few days, despite massive supplies, while the Stratios, Ishtar, Deimos, Sacrilege, and others are hinting at significant gains. Experts project that the Stratios, for example, may approach 300M ISK over the next few days. PLEX prices will surely follow, leading to an increase in players buying PLEX with RL cash in order to fund their spaceship-losing habits, and yet another round of drinks for the CCP staff.

As for Rixx? He remains EVE’s biggest fan, and is ramping up for Steel City EVE III. He’s free to be a PITA (Pirate In The Afternoons) now, no longer slaving away for an unthankful CCP, and free to speak his mind. We may never see an EVE card game, but at least there’s one more pirate undocking to shoot fellow nerds in the face, and that’s what really matters.

* Hilmar Veigar is no relation to Tiny Master of Evil, Veigar. Any similarities such as an endless fascination for the mysteries of the universe,a shared icelandic name heritage, and a determination to be perceived as evil despite a non-threatening and even vaguely cute exterior are entirely coincidental.

This morning, in a completely unexpected announcement from CCP HQ, we have learned of the latest project to come from the Icelandic developer. Being cited as the “most original and groundbreaking” idea ever, it plans on shaking up the games market in a major way. Eve Online: Battle Royal, abbreviated EO:BR, combines elements of survival, quick-thinking, and the ever present ruthlessness we all know and love from the Eve universe.

“The concept is very simple,” begins CCP Games CEO Hilmar Veigar Pétursson, “you are placed in an Abyssal deadspace pocket with 99 other capsuleers, starting with nothing but a pod, and one goal— survive.” The match ends when there is one capsuleer, or squad of capsuleers remaining. Within the deadspace pocket are dozens of celestial bodies, each of which has various cargo containers, hack-able containers, and abandoned ships. With skill, and a little luck, you will scavenge your way to a fighting capable ship and hunt down or evade your fellow pilots.

Modules such as cloaks are unobtainable in this mode, and hiding on the outskirts of deadspace is ill-advised, due to an ever-expanding cloud of gas that begins to fill the pocket. This prevents players from safe-spotting and hiding for the duration of the match. Occasionally, wormholes will appear and deposit highly valuable cargo and ships. This adds extra tension and risk vs reward to something so noticeable and coveted to the players.

The match always concludes at an epic showdown at the Sun in the center of the deadspace pocket, as all battles should. In these final hectic moments, the pilots will use every resource they’ve gathered in an attempt to claim the coveted “Quafe Dinner” victory.

For those looking for more of a challenge, there is “Hardcore mode”, which drops all of your learned skills to 0, and you must train them in response to what you find in space. Start right next to a shiny Retribution? Best train your Amarr Frigates to 5! These matches will be designed to last for weeks to months on end to allow for a true, gritty survivor experience. Directional scanning can only be done once every 60 seconds, and repair items will be scarce.

EO:BR will be in closed beta soon; if you sign up by the end of the week, you’ll receive an exclusive cosmetic shirt for your capsuleer that does nothing except that it can be looted by people that kill you!

In a bid to bolster efforts to attract and retain their audience after the release of BATTLETECH, and after failing in their bid to purchase EVE Onion, Imperium News Network launches into satire. Paramemetic’s 2018.05.15 article, PANDEMIC LEGION STRATEGICALLY ADVANCES OUT OF PROVIDENCE marks the next step in The Mittani’s effort to dominate EVE media at all costs.

Clearly under editorial pressure to emulate EVE Onion’s inimitable style, Paramemetic presents the Pandemic Legion evacuation as engaging in a “rapid strategic re-deployment to a yet-unknown, certainly unfortunate region of space.” The INN writer goes on to attempt satire, stating “PL’s PVP skills truly shined, as they expertly avoided not only any confrontation they couldn’t win, but even some confrontations they could have.”

Rumor has it EVE Onion authors, appreciative of Paramemetic’s efforts, began pressuring OpusMagnum to either immediately recruit Paramemetic away from INN, or use EVE Onion’s bottomless coffers of unassailable wealth to buy out INN. “That’s OUR article. Paramemetic just published it to the wrong outlet,” one writer whined. “INN is already a parody of real news; if they start publishing parody of parody, the Inception-like recursion may cause the universe to collapse,” another tinfoiled.

Sadly, some INN readers seemed oblivious to Paramemetic’s genius. Comments from those with insufficient INT implants responded with such pithy gems as, “You truly understand how to grasp two large journalism b***s and stroke the PL s***t.” Others were more appreciative, taking time to comment positively after they recovered from side-splitting laughter, and cleaned up the coffee they spewed all over their expensive mechanical keyboards.

Ever the diplomat, Opus took a conciliatory approach, reportedly comforting his disturbed staff with a cat GIF, then promised that competitors in the parody and satire market are more than welcome, and only serve to stoke the flames of passion for quality content among our highly discerning readership. Senior management was similarly encouraging: “You’re three article behind,” said Editor-in-Chief, Lillik Eoner, “make the overlords happy and submit.”

LadyScarlet, CEO of Destructive Influence [DICE.], has created a new recruitment campaign for her corporation within NC. alliance, and has unveiled the “Friend of Matterall” medal. This medal is exclusive to Destructive Influence members only. The medal was inspired after Matterall, of Talking in Stations fame, became the victim of a SNUFF bait citadel trap a few months ago. Matterall attempted to use his vast connections and fame within EVE Online to try and get out of the snare but it failed, costing him a jump freighter and his pride. The “I’m Matterall” meme was born after the transcript of the in-game conversation was posted on Reddit.

“I’m a friend of Matterall” became the rallying cry of victims everywhere. LadyScarlet hopes this recruitment drive will bring the highest quality of recruits EVE has to offer because, “Who wouldn’t want to make their friendship with Matterall official?” Matterall, friend of EVE Onion, was unavailable for comment.