It seemed like a good idea at the time. As is so often the case, only time can tell how the EVE Online community and player base will respond to news or changes initiated by CCP. This one seemed straightforward: Reduce the duration of the daily downtime.

CEO Hilmar Veigar’s twitter pic seemed a little extra smug as he posted gleefully to celebrate a downtime lasting “less that [sic] 4 minutes.”

How could he have possibly anticipated the outrage that would come boiling over?

“CCP has acted with blatant disregard for my playstyle,” bemoaned a well-known cloaky camper. “As a result of the shortened downtime, I lost a full 11 minutes, during which I estimate some 3.1 billion ISK were earned by the denizens of my host system. If I do not receive firm assurances this will never occur again and if this continues, I may have to unsub my 310 accounts. This is clearly illegal under Texas law, and unacceptable if we want to Make New Eden Great Again.”

Super ratters were equally incensed. “I count on an approximately 15 minute downtime each day, during which I grab my day’s stash of HotPockets, a bottle of Tito’s, and three pairs of tube socks: one for my feet, and two for… well, the HotPockets, you know. This unprecedented curtailment of downtime puts my health and well-being in serious jeopardy. I am not a well they, as you know, and I can’t help but wonder if this is a targeted attack. I wonder if CCP has abandoned their progressive Icelandic roots, and embraced the antiquated so-called morality of their new Korean overlords. Pride month is only a few days gone, and…I can’t even.”

As pressure mounted from all sides, with cloaky campers and super ratters in unprecedented alignment, the CCP Community Team is rumored to have engaged in a heated debate on next steps. The two members struggled to find an acceptable response. Rumors suggest CCP Kitteh volunteered that players should HTFU, while CCP Falcon kept muttering something about “stranger and Stranger Things…” 

It is unknown how it came to be that CCP Kitteh, for the first time in recorded history, apparently lost the argument, but one thing is certain: CCP Kitteh looked none too pleased at having to initiate a redundant reboot to extend downtime.

Outrage flared with the discovery that Upwell Consortium Infomorph Psychologists not only researched, but fully implemented a mechanism to farm skillpoints from clones resting in their structures’ clone bay, and deliver the extracted skill points to the market without compensating the unwitting Capsuleers.

Many prominent capsuleers, including Jin’taan and Seleene, quickly cried foul at the unprecedented action. It was this announcement, however, that changed everything:

At first, this announcement appeared to be no more than pent up frustration capped by a failed run for CSM 14. Then, in a shocking turn of events, the awful truth was revealed. Triglavian forces almost immediately began to invade New Eden’s Null Security space, reinforcing structures and killing pilots engaged in combat with non-capsuleer entities.

There is no possible explanation: Manic Velocity is not “The One” destined to bring balance to New Eden. Manic Velocity long did his very best to bring balance by whelping ships, but recently spent his time destroying non-capsuleer entities, and whelped only a trivial number of ships. With hope finally lost that Manic will return to his work of bringing balance to New Eden, new and more dramatic solutions are required. Non-capsuleer entities have hemorrhaged assets for decades. Bringing balance to their killboards will require the destruction of trillions of ISK worth of player assets.

Null Sec entities—as Noizy so eloquently puts it, “hate non-consensual PvE as much as many high sec residents hate non-consensual PvP,”—find themselves in chaos. Tensions are high as Drifter fleets reinforce structures across New Eden, and even High Sec alts cannot rat in peace.

Where is Manic?

Is he here?

Perhaps…

But, perhaps not…

The SCOPE recently broke reports Triglavians are kidnapping people from installations in space, and an undercover agent discovered this image of Manic Velocity, who, far from the relaxing retirement he anticipated, seems…somewhat less comfortable.

Did Manic Velocity, in fact, depart of his own free will? Or, is his disappearance part of a plan to balance both sides of the equation, by simultaneously increasing the rate of destruction of player assets, and reducing the number of pilots shooting non-capsuleer vessels? If Manic is not “The One,” who is?

Chants of “No more local!” were heard during EVE North, and ExookiZ delivered.

Local chat, or “local”, is the chat box that allows people in the same solar system to exchange really clever insults such as, “I know you are but what am I” and “what does gg mean?” More importantly, it also tells you when bad people show up to rain on your mining op with your rorqual that pulls in at least half of what it used to, but fortunately, for about half the price. Sadly, that little bit of intel is about to disappear for the month of July and capsuleers are, as usual, completely polarized over the event.

Many are crying out that CCP has added yet another pointless event to distract people from the more serious business of…playing a game. But EVE Onion has learned that this has nothing to do with CCP. In fact, ExookiZ, abusing his powers of being elected to CSM, somehow managed to get access to and throw the switch on local chat in null space.

We were given a hint to something like this in a conversation with Dead Star Syndicate at EVE North. -DSYN CEO James Rapture opined, “We wormholers are sick and tired of never having local when we leave our wormholes. We are here to support ExookiZ and his secret mission.”

When pressed for more details on his secret mission, -DSYN members exhibited sudden discomfort and one of the directors bitchslapped James, whining, “Y’all done a stupid. We wasn’t supposed t’ say nuthin’!”

EVE Onion asked why wormholers were so uptight about removing local. “Well, we aren’t very good at PVP and we can’t plan anything that requires more than one step. So this levels the playing field for us, allowing us to all but warp straight to the target and hope we get a lucky bump before they enter warp.”

We tracked down ExookiZ in his flagship Heron to see if he could corroborate the allegation. “I can neither confirm nor deny that I was able to sneak in through the Beer Door at CCP and throw this alleged switch you speak of.” When we pointed out we said nothing about how he got in he promptly bitchslapped James Rapture.

We made no effort to contact Wingspan on the matter, however, they DDoS’ed our server until we responded to their emails. “We just want to go on record that we feel terrible for the nullbears of New Eden. We will not be taking advantage of these poor pilots. We will stick to our doctrine of recon and black ops ships in solidarity. Shame on you, ExookiZ!”

Deep in the heart of the blue doughnut, the most elite nullbears met to give ferocious battle to their fierce PvE opponents. Krabmaster explained, “This is what EVE is really about, we are the best players in the game, and we earn the best rewards because we can handle the best content. Nobody can touch us, we are so f*****g invincible.” 

Their blingy titans and supercarriers blazed away with relentless precision, destroying their enemies and outwitting them at every turn. Botman2.0 was likewise proud of his accomplishments, “The AI is really quite adaptive, and I constantly have to be operating at peak performance.” Indeed, many nullbears were convinced that they were legitimate professional gamers, engaged in an e-sport as competitive as any Minecraft creative build contest.

However, at CCP headquarters, dark minds had other plans. Laughing with evil glee, CCP *REDACTED* chortled, “Bwahahahaha. Like PvE do they? Elite PvE they say?” Suddenly, the elite nullbear fleet was in a fight for its life, unlike any other. Vily cried, and Makalu died. Krabmaster began to scream, “IT’S TOO HARD! IT’S NOT FAIR!” The enemy advanced, striking hard against blue doughnut central headquarters. Ever the hypocrite, Botman2.0 whined loudly on voicecam, “Stupid mean pubbies discriminate against me. I’m gonna tell the Kremlin to boycott Jita. We don’t need this hardcore world of warcraft content. We are a PvP guild, and this PvE stuff is just dumb!” The blue doughnut loudly declared their misery, boldly declaring war upon CCP and threatening a boycott of Jita to the immense amusement of the entire galaxy.

However, CCP *REDACTED* had anticipated this threat, and was already prepared for the second stage of his plan. With a bemused smile, he picked up his nerfhammer, and quietly muttered to himself, “Like PvP do they? Elite PvP they say?” Suddenly, the voice of Olmeca Gold was broadcast across the galaxy, barely audible beneath the soaring score of a poorly chosen classical music track, “something…something…I am Olmeca Gold, and this is a story of late EVE…bla bla…something…bla.” Indeed, the endgame had begun, as was foreshadowed here at EVE Onion. Recognizing the grotesque obesity of the nullbears, CCP *REDACTED* was determined to cut them down to size. It was time to cull the herd.

The lights began to flicker from one of the blue doughnut to the other. Quietly, one after another, gaudy neon signs offering FREE ISK and PORN ON DISCORD began to blink off. There was a great screeching sound, heard from the Delve to the Cobalt Edge. The machinery of the empire shuddered, convulsing as Botman2.0 watched in shock, while years of narcissistic delusions of grandeur began to slip away. In the belts, miners froze in their tracks, unsure whether to dock. In the anomalies, the bot VNIs spun aimlessly, with no hivemind to command them. In the shadows, invaders began to appear. Creepy wormholers, unwashed lowsec ruffians, and highsec law enforcement. The nullbears turned to and fro, unsure what to do, where to go, and the darkness kept inching inward. On that day, they realized too late that “null” means “no”.

Gisleres – Last week, reports indicated a fleet of pilots engaged and destroyed a Triglavian “World Ark” serving as the culmination of a multi-week PVE campaign, part of EVE Online’s free-to-play “Invasion” expansion. In a fleet consisting of forty-nine pilots, the triangular “World Ark” was dispatched by shield-tanked combat vessels. Video records show that fleet comms went from quiet anticipation to jovial exclamations when the “World Ark” finally revealed its loot: Agency Boosters! 

“The loot we obtained was beyond our wildest expectations,” said pilot Vantaanya, who, according to the Intergalactic Summit, was the Fleet Commander for the operation, “The salvage wasn’t really worth anything but there was more than enough ‘Hardshell,’ ‘Overclocker,’ and ‘Pyrolancea’ to make up for the less than 200 DED LP and 1.5m ISK we got for forty minutes of shooting. All in all, I think we got five of each ‘Dose I.’” 

The “Agency” boosters are extremely popular and provide numerous and significant bonuses for pilots seeking an edge in combat. The fifteen total ‘Dose I’ boosters from the World Ark are the first boosters to enter the market since the last Agency event. Market speculators in Jita and Amarr have been worried about the lack of “Agency” events to produce the boosters, but their fears have been allayed with the discovery that the “World Ark” drops the boosters as loot. Further speculation is that the more powerful “Doses” drop at a lower rate than the “Dose I’s,” implying that the “World Ark” that was destroyed was analogous to a standard DED rat dropping an “Overseer’s Personal Effects” and nothing else.    

CCP Sledgehammer, who has been closely monitoring the launch of “EVE: Invasion,” seemed relieved. “This was our most ambitious Agency event to date and there were fears that between Agency 2.0 and the new Triglavian mechanics, that we wouldn’t be able to show ‘Invasion’ in its true final form: the next step in development for Agency-type events. Of course, it’s not an Agency event without the proper loot and I am thankful to all of the players who tackled ‘Invasion’ wholeheartedly to solve the mystery of the Triglavians. The clues were there from the beginning: Three Agency boosters and the Triglavians are based around three’s.” 

The EVE World Tour: Toronto celebrations featured accolades to the many capsuleers who investigated the Triglavians since they were first revealed over a year ago, including the Arataka Research Consortium, independent player researchers, lore enthusiasts, and all of the pilots who thought “Invasion” would bring additional end-game PVE. Reports from the convention venues shared that instead of offering the ubiquitous “Quafe” as a soft-drink at the World Tour location, in celebration of the destruction of the World Ark, energy drinks rebranded as Agency boosters were supplied to event goers.

MInerals are missing and the Watchful Tyrants are pissed.

All across the New Eden cluster, minerals went missing from hangars everywhere. Despite assurances by scientists that the minerals were actually there but were temporarily invisible for some reason, many were not happy. Among those were the Vigilant Tyrannos, the Watchful Tyrants, a.k.a. The Drifters.

CONCORD and SOE, both monitoring Triglavian transmissions that have been escalating recently, intercepted this message from deep space:

“Since the release of our Seekers, it has been clear that we are here to observe. We did not think we were being too subtle by introducing ourselves and our penchant for watching by actually putting that word first: WATCHFUL. So when you make something invisible we take this as a direct insult. Not only have you started ignoring us because 3-sided orange is the new black, but you deliberately slap us in the face by making something so ubiquitous as minerals completely unobservable.”

Just as communications experts prepared to completely ignore the tirade, another transmission lanced through space in a way completely unlike a freighter entering warp.

“Just like the minerals, we have become invisible to you.”

“Just as you demand with your minerals, we demand to be seen.”

“You have witnessed the peaceful side of our nature: the watchful.”

“Now witness the deadly side of that coin: the TYRANTS. If there’s one thing easy to see in space it’s your precious Sotiyos and huge Keepstars. We know where every one of them is. Now it’s your turn to observe as you watch them BURN!”

Lieutenant Bartok “Peekaboo” Hargram realized too late that he had keyed his mic to respond but forgot to let go of the switch when laughter erupted in the comms station. When he did suddenly let go with the grace and precision of a cat escaping a bathtub, the *click* of the comms closing heralded a crescendo of silence among the operators.

The drifters had one more thing to say.

“Seriously?”

At this point communication erupted in New Eden. Confused reports were coming in from everywhere. Station managers reported drifter fleets of devastating firepower descending on every major structure in null security space.

Alliance leaders were up in arms, demanding intervention in this threat. High security carebears laughed and pointed until the Triglavians attacked them again. Low security dwellers continued to misspell their names and have trouble determining how to get out of a wet paper bag.

The Mittani suddenly broke through the comms, “What the hell is going on here? Do you realize how many of these structures we have in space? How am I supposed to defend all of these at once??”

And if you watched closely, you saw a smile on a Tyrant’s face deep in Anoikis space.

Last week, President Trump increased tensions with China right within EVE Online. All USTZ corps have been ordered to cease any and all trade with Fraternity, effective immediately. We have more details included below directly from the transcript of the press conference:

Trump: “It has come to my attention that our space program is being challenged by a fraternity of space-going Chinese. I just about dropped my covfeffe when I heard of this. Therefore, effective immediately, any and all trade with this space fraternity or brotherhood or whatever they are is ordered ceased.”

Press: “What connection does this ‘fraternity’ have with Huawei?”

Trump: “Huawei is obviously at the head of it. He is using a codename: ‘Wind Spirits’. We have the NSA on it now.”

Press: “What threat does this pose for the United States?”

Trump: “Our information points to something happening in the winter. Some coalition of these fraternity people will be mobilizing then. We will be watching very closely for this winter coalition. The public has nothing to worry about there.”

Press: “Are the Russians involved in any way?”

Trump: “From what we can tell, the Russians see this fraternity as a threat as well. We have heard that preparations to meet them head-on are underway.”

Press: “Will we be working with the Russians then, to meet this threat?”

Trump: “I will neither confirm nor deny any collusion with the Russians. You can’t prove anything.”

Press: “Is this threat confined to space?”

Trump: “From what my sources tell me, yes. However, we are still sifting through the intercepts. There was talk of many solar systems being taken using ‘titans’ and other technology. We are trying to determine whether ‘solar system’ is a code word for something like country or region or military target. Regardless, the ban on trade still stands to send a message that no threat of any kind will be tolerated.”

Press: “Is this coming straight from Hong Kong? Could there be other players, or somebody masking as the Chinese to cause confusion?”

Trump: “Actually, they did try to trick us. We have determined that this is an underground terrorist group within the Chinese. At first we thought it was the Yakuza but it is a new group that goes by the name ‘Triglavians’.”

Press: “Isn’t the Yakuza Japanese?”

Trump: “They’d have you believe that.”

Press: “What is the goal of these Triglavians?”

Trump: “We assume they want to Make Hong Kong Great Again.”

Press: “Isn’t that a pretty terrible acronym?”

Trump: “Ask the Yakuza.”

Press: “What should we expect next as this develops?”

Trump: “You should expect that I will not back down from these threats. A big, safe, empty space. This is what’s in my head. I will do everything to make sure that vision comes true so that you don’t have to worry about titans flown by vicious Triglavians. We are always watching the Internets. Nothing will get past us.

Guy In The Back: “Um, Mr. President, aren’t you talking about a space game?”

Trump:

Guy In The Back: “EVE Online. It’s a space MMO. Massively Multiplayer Online game.”

Trump:

Press Organizer: “Thank you, everyone, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for.”