EVE ONLINE DISCONTINUES CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS, LOOKS FOR NEW BUYER

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“We know times are tough” said Robert Industry’s Chris R. Robert at this month’s sprawling EVE festival, live in Vegas. “Like EVE, we intended to launch our game in early 2003 but found ourselves met with opposition and struggle. Nearly two decades and almost a billion dollars, we’re in a better position than ever to support our brothers and sisters. As such, we fully intend to pick up where CCP left off and support Captain’s Quarters and Walking in Stations, should our bids for the system go through.”

At the time of writing, CCP was unavailable to comment as he was last seen prowling the various gambling halls and drunkenly flirting with the various women he encountered. When pressed for a statement about the aging and discontinued subsystem of EVE Online, he simply stated “They don’t make ‘em like this in Iceland” to a nearby waitress, before receiving a rather off-putting stare.

Following Robert around proved to be a more engaging affair, as flocks of EVE pilots busied themselves learning as much as they could about this new and engaging I.P, though most of what was revealed was either already known or likely never to be seen to fruition.

“Ship aging? Yeah, that’s live right now. Already done. Millions of players per instance? Done and done. Going to have over twelve million star systems available for colonization at launch and double that every month for the first sixteen years.” Robert continued unhindered and unhinged throughout the event, listing things to the wide-eyed crowd which often prompted gasps. “Got moon mining too. Just blow the thing up and throw some ropes around the rocks. Haul ‘em back to a refinery or something. Zero-G infantry combat, pop your head out the hatch and just shoot the alien bastards hanging off the side of your ride. All the good stuff is already done.”

“That sounds incredible” I heard muttered nearby, a man clutching his chest as if the breath was about to be stolen from him at any moment. Robert wasn’t stopping there, though. “It’s really nothing. With today’s technology we’ve got it all rigged up so…oh yeah, you can totally play pacifist too. Buy a space cruise ticket and just walk around a space cruise ship, look out the windows and relax on deck while sipping space martinis and listening to the Martian band play the latest hits from one of the millions of systems nearby. The complete experience, my friends!”

On and on Robert rambled much to my amazement, though further and further off track until someone from the growing EVE crowd jarred him from his stupor with a simple question: “So what about dying in Star Citizen? Do you respawn? What’s the point of paying for insurance with real money?” Robert genuinely looked stumped. A long pause, a careful stammer as he tried to shift his glance back and forth to find an escape route. “I…uh.” Sweat visibly beading across his forehead, there wasn’t anything he had to say about that. By now, Robert’s bodyguards had gone to work dismissing the hungry crowd as more questions were shouted at the estranged developer who was quickly whisked away to his private Vanuatu island (as his Pacific Palisades mansion was undergoing its fifth renovation this year) retreat, paid for by the residual profits of his blockbuster movies (including such hits as “Wing Commander” in which he retcon nearly everything in his own games for no clear reason.)

It is unlikely we’ll see Robert again at an EVE-centric event, though his continued support for the game and its community proves to be heart-warming in these dark times.

Star Citizen is currently slated for a late 2015 release date.