CONCORD Pursues Time Travel Research with Goonswarm Federation

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Pirates have long suspected CONCORD of secret time manipulation technology, as response times to aggression are impossibly fast, and CONCORD ship disabling techniques surpass all known technologies. A recently announced CONCORD project, purported to improve time measurement, is actually the foundation for true time travel, as the attached leaked image from CONCORD’s time travel experiments conclusively demonstrates.

Haulers and miners, who have long complained that CONCORD should prevent planned aggression and focus on crime prevention—rather than simply delivering too little punishment, too late—welcomed this development. “It’s time for CONCORD to step up and admit they do, in fact, possess time manipulation technologies, and then use those technologies to prevent future crime. The era of crime and punishment needs to end, in favor of a new era of crime prevention,” a capsuleer specializing in logistics and transportation in empire space suggested, the skin of her fresh clone still moist from the clone bay after a costly nap on gate. “It’s fine by me if anyone with armaments equipped to their ship in High Security space is instantly destroyed by CONCORD. Better safe than sorry. Let those barbarians shoot each other outside of Empire space. We’ve got serious business to do here in High Security space.”

A representative of Goonswarm Federation, speaking on condition of anonymity, offered a nearly parallel perspective from Capsuleer-corporation-controlled space, and confirmed the leaked image’s authenticity:

As an organization representing over thirty-five thousand capsuleers, and responsible for ensuring the peace, prosperity, and security of a significant portion of New Eden, we appreciate the challenge facing CONCORD. Our non-combat personnel also express frustration with having to dock up for minutes at a time to avoid potential aggression.

We lose trillions of ISK to these unnecessary distractions from our critical mission to reduce every asteroid and moon in New Eden to its composite minerals. Our scientists are delighted to have the opportunity to work with CONCORD to test these new technologies to prevent criminal activity.

Our diplomats are in conversation with high level sources within CONCORD, and we expect to announce shortly that our industrialists have access to blueprint originals for these time-manipulation technologies. We will not be able to release these BPOs to the broader community at this time, but do anticipate offering modules for sale at a reasonable cost, and blueprint copies to a few select business partners.

These devices will allow intelligence bots to report intruders before they arrive, so we can reconfigure our warp gates to trap unwelcome visitors in warp space as they attempt to jump, thereby avoiding the necessity of docking our mining vessels or undocking combat ships at all. As always, Goonswarm Federation is here to serve the greater good of New Eden. This peacekeeping effort will ensure the peace and prosperity of all New Eden.

CONCORD Public Relations was not available for comment as of press time, but is expected to issue a statement no later than yesterday.